


Holy Musical Batfam!

by LizzieMack



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Holy Musical B@man - Team StarKid
Genre: Batfamily (DCU) Feels, Brothers, Dick is so Done with him, Family Bonding, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Jason makes death jokes, Movie Night, Popcorn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26228251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizzieMack/pseuds/LizzieMack
Summary: The Batfam (and Conner Kent) watch Holy Musical B@tman!
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Jason Todd
Comments: 14
Kudos: 93





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> Any quote from the musical is in italics.

Jason was easier to find than usual. Maybe that was a good sign? Tim was never sure when it came to Jason. “Hiya Hood.”

“What’s the emergency kid? I assume this isn’t a social call?”

“Well, uh… Actually, it kind of is,” said Tim. “We’re having a movie night next week at the manor, and I want you there”.

“Fuck no, not for the world babybird.” Tim had never resented Jason’s hood more. Not only did it prevent him from reading Jason’s facial expressions, but the voice distortion also made it hard to read his tone.

“Listen, B and Agent A will be out. It’s going to be relaxed, nothing too serious, just a fun hangout for the rest of us”.

Jason tensed up and looked ready to leave if Tim pressed the issue. “Hard pass,” he said firmly.

Tim sighed. He had one more contingency plan ready, but Dick wouldn’t be happy about it. “We can do it at N’s place instead of the manor?”

Jason sighed. “...I’ll think about it, but don’t wait up for me.”

Tim smiled, but he wasn’t satisfied. People were more likely to follow through with plans that they confirmed verbally after all. Maybe if he reinforced the idea that Jason would definitely be coming by expressing his own confidence? That could work. “See you there Hood!”

“Kid, I didn’t say I’d come. Just that I’d think about it. Now scram. I got shit to do,” he said getting ready to grapple away.

Oof. Maybe he’d pushed too hard. No matter. He could bribe Jason with free labor. “If you’re talking about that arms deal over on Hanover, do you want back up? I’ve got nothing better to do tonight”.

“Jesus, how do you even know about that? I guess I’ll use you if you’re offering, but you gotta stop it with this family shit”.

Tim grinned. “I can do that just fine. Lead the way?”

***

“Jason came!!” Dick pulled his somewhat reluctant brother into the apartment. There were more people than Jason had expected. Not just former robins, but all the batgirls and even Tim’s super. Jesus, if Tim had said that plus ones were going to be allowed he woulda brought Roy. “Hey bitches, I brought popcorn! Hope this is enough for all of you,” he said, holding up a five gallon bag of pre-popped.

Steph gave him a thumbs up and ran off to the kitchen to get something to serve it in. Tim waved at him from the floor in front of Dick’s TV where he was untangling a wad of cords. “Knew you would come”.

“You’d bitch at me if I didn’t,” Jason said grudgingly. He would never tell Dick but Tim was the most effective nag of the lot of them. There was something to be said for quality over quantity and all that. Tim smiled at him. “Glad I don’t have to”.

“Give me the goods, beefcake!” said Steph, taking the giant bag of popcorn from Jason so she could start doling it out.

“Dick do you have anything to drink?” asked Barbara. Dick looked sheepish.

“All he’s got in that kitchen is frozen pizza and lucky charms,” said Steph. “I’m not judging, but I’m judging.”

“I didn’t know I was hosting until last minute!” Dick protested.

Tim grined as he freed Dick’s HDMI cord from the tangle of cables. “I know someone who can be to the store and back _faster than a speeding bullet_.”

Kon rolled his eyes but he was smiling. He held out his hand towards Tim. “Gimme your wallet and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Isn’t popcorn meant to be warm?” asked Damian glaring at his bowl suspiciously from where he was curled up on Dick’s beat-up la-Z-boy.

“Normally it's only warm right after you pop it Dami,” said Dick.

Tim looked over from where he was hooking up his laptop to Dick’s TV. “I have bags of theater-style Orville Redenbacher with extra butter at my place. I could have brought them.”

Jason made a face. “What’s wrong with Walmart popcorn?”

“It’s very… yellow?” said Cass.

Jason pinched the bridge of his nose. “...Just try it and tell me I’m wrong”.

Dick, who was already on his second handful, laughed and said, “Tastes fine to me. Brings back good memories.”

Damian tried a piece thoughtfully. “I suppose It‘s acceptable Todd.”

“Jesus, remind me not to bring anything next time we get together.”

Dick pulled Jason down with him on the couch. “If they don’t eat it, it just means more for me and you,” he said conspiratorially. It earned him a smirk and an eye roll, but that was all he was aiming for. It was nice to just be Dick and Jason, to get out of the mindset their nightlife had them in.

There was a tapping at the window. Tim turned to see Conner holding up several plastic bags from CVS and hurried to let him in. “I got soda, booze, and for the kid,” Conner pointed at Damian, “Capri-sun”.

Damian threw a piece of popcorn at him and muttered, “I am no child”.

“Jesus Kon, there’s only like three people here who can legally drink!” Dick said, annoyed. “How did you even buy… no I don’t wanna know.”

Kon smirked. “Any ID I have is going to be fake, Dick. That’s the problem of being this tall at age three.”

“I’m such a bad cop,” said Dick head in his hands.

“What you don’t see won’t hurt you,” said Tim cracking open a can.

“Acab,” said Jason. Steph toasted him. “I’ll drink to that”.

Dick sighed. Sure he and Babs had gotten up to a lot in their time, but they hadn’t been so blatant about it, had they? They made sure not to do anything in front of the commissioner at least. “God, I feel old… Next time at least leave me some plausible deniability won’t you?”

“Yes officer,” said Kon rolling his eyes.

“Now.. uh, what did you say we were watching?” Dick asked Tim.

Tim grinned. “So… you know how I’ve been doing a lot of work surrounding the multiverse and alternate dimensions with the Titans? Well, I found this universe where we’re all fictional characters, and let me tell you, it’s a goldmine. There's comics, tv shows, movies, the works. I figured that it would be fun to watch something together, like a bonding experience you know, but I didn’t want to pick something that would be too awkward or painful for anyone, so I patched into their version of youtube to scope it out.”

Babs eye’s twinkled. “You’ll have to show me how to do that Timbo, I mean, think of the possibilities.”

“They have loads of animated children’s shows, I think there’s a couple with you Babs.”

“Ooh, what about me?” asked Steph.

“I actually got the impression that most of us are pretty minor characters? Like their version of Christopher Nolan-”

“The Inception guy?”

“Yeah him, he did a Batman film trilogy and not a single one of us was in it!”

“Rude,” said Cass.

“Extremely. Anyways I went down a youtube hole trying to find something live-action that had most of us, but like, instead, I found something called ‘Holy Musical B@tman’ and I just knew that it was the one.”

Several people giggled. Damian looked appalled. Dick was beaming at the name.

“I can’t actually imagine your dad singing?” said Kon.

“If the musical’s any good we should show it to him, maybe get him to lighten up,” said Steph. “I for one hope he has a tap number.”

“Could you imagine?” said Babs. “Him doing the can-can with killer croc? Now that would be hysterical.”

“Or a duet between Tim and the Riddler, just frustrating the hell out of one another?” said Dick.

“I would hope that Batcow makes an appearance,” said Damian. “She does not deserve to be left out.”

“Well, I hope that I have a tear-jerker of a ballad when I die,” said Jason.

Dick grimaced. “Nope, no, I’m leaving the room if that happens, I don’t wanna cry tonight please, I’ve hit my dealing with emotions quota for the year and I’m not trying to go over.”

“I haven’t watched any of it yet, but it’s supposed to be a comedy, so no probably no crying? Anyways, I’m not sure all of us are in it,” said Tim. “There was only one Robin on the cast list so it could be anyone of us or an amalgamation of all of us. But, probably not Steph ‘cause the actor’s called Nick.”

“Drag Robin would be such a look though,” Steph protested.

“It was a look,” said Dick looking pointedly at Tim who blushed.

Damian frowned. “Can we be sure that watching this won’t destabilize our universe?”

Babs shrugged. “It’ll probably be ok if it's a work of fiction. There’s no expectation for it to be accurate to our lives.”

“If something happens, I will blame everything on Drake,” Damian decided.

Tim rolled his eyes. “Well, unless anyone else has any objections, I’m starting it.” When no one said anything Tim hit the spacebar on his laptop.

White text on a black background flashed up on the screen. “This parody musical is produced and performed solely for the enjoyment of ourselves and other superhero fans…” A male voice began singing. _“One shot, Two shots in the night, and they’re gone and he’s all left alone.”_

“Holy fucking shit, were those supposed to be his parents?” asked Steph.

 _“Just one boy, two dead at his feet, and the blood stains the street,”_ A young Bruce stood in the middle of the stage in shock looking at the bodies of his dead mother and father.

Damian looked at Tim angrily “I thought you said this was a comedy, Drake!”

“I don’t think it’s this dark the whole time?!” Tim said defensively.

 _“And there’s nothing, no there’s nothing he can do_ ”.

“We’re never showing this to B,” said Dick.

Barbara nodded. “He’d have a coronary.”

The title card flashed on-screen. _“Starkid presents… Holy Musical B@tman”_. When the title card faded Bruce was a grown man, and wearing the bat suit.

“ _Except be the baddest man that he’s ever been, he’s gonna carry the weight, he’s gonna get revenge.”_ Bruce kicked and punched and nunchucked his way across the stage to the music. _“And there’s nothing he can’t do!”_

“Hell yeah, get it B!” said Tim getting caught up in the moment. The music faded out and the stage went dark. When the lights came back up, several goons wearing suits and fedoras walked on. “ _Word on the street is old five finger Sculletti was running a speakeasy down the street when he got iced, by the bat,”_ said the tallest goon. _“_

_Shut ya chomper Matches! There ain’t no such thing as a bat!”_

“Matches Malone is an old alias of B’s from back when we were still dealing with Falcone,” said Dick reminiscing.

“What kinda name is Matches?” asked Steph. “Doesn’t sound gangster at all”.

“That’s the point Fatgirl. Father was not trying to make an impression, he-” Damian was interrupted by a crashing noise on-screen. The stage suddenly went dark and the head goon screamed, _“Ach! What happened to the lights!” “_

 _I can’t sees nothing,”_ said Matches _“It's like I’m blind, blind as a-”_

 _“-a Bat!”_ said Batman, swooping in and punching him square in the face.

“Fuck yeah!” said Jason.

On-screen Batman took out Matches and his friend like it was nothing. _“That will teach you to dabble in crime once. Support your families like the rest of us, be born billionaires."_

Steph cackled and Damian glared at her.

The actor playing Bruce left the stage and the scene changed. _“Oh Commissioner Gordon, there are goons hanging upside down on the lamppost,”_ said a man in an over-exaggerated Irish accent. _“They had a note attached to them!”_

 _“Oh well maybe we should read it”,_ said Commissioner Gordon in a squeaky southern drawl. The actress playing him was shockingly short and wearing not only a wig but a fake mustache and fake eyebrows, all bright white.

“Wait is that supposed to be my dad!?” asked Barbara. “What the hell!”

The Irish cop read the note, _“It says ‘Citizens of Gotham, Fear me!’ and then it’s signed Bruce Wayne, but that’s crossed out and underneath it’s written...“_

 _“-Batman!”_ sang the ensemble cast.

Cass pumped her fist in the air.

 _“Oooh, I’m baffled… How exactly does a bat become a man?”_ asked Commissioner Gorden _“and why does he have such a strong sense of justice?”_

“Childhood trauma apparently,” quipped Jason. Tim snickered.

On-screen Batman swooped down in the Batplane (a black pool floatie) and mowed down a street gang. “Is he using missiles?” Jason fake swooned. “Dick, pinch me, I think I’m dreaming.”

“Todd is enjoying this too much,” said Damian.

The scene changed again, this time to a newsroom. _“Vicki Vale here,-"_

“VicKI!!” said Dick.

_“-Batman strikes again... this is just in, Joker’s body has been found at Gotham Pier. He’s dead!”_

“Clearly in this universe Jason is Batman,” said Tim.

Damian nodded. “Clearly.”

The scene changed again. A crowd of Gothamites were gathered around Commissioner Gordon, who was giving a speech. _“We are gathered here today to- Oo what was that?”_

 _“It’s an attack,”_ screamed one of the people in the crowd. Everyone onstage ran around in confusion as Batman swooped down in his plane.

 _“Ha ha ha, striking terror, best part of the job,”_ said Batman with a smile and a thumbs up.

“Okay guys, even I’m not that bad,” said Jason.

_“Oh, he got us again with another good-natured prank.”_

_“Flying his supersonic jet through the city streets, classic.”_

“Tt. Father would never be so irresponsible."

_“They all look like bulls eyes from up here. Let my parents die, will you? Well, you’re all criminals in my eyes!”_

“Jeez!” said Dick. “He’s homicidal.”

_“Hey look up in the sky, it’s a bird!”_

_“No, you bone head, that’s batman’s plane.”_

_“It’s Captain Marvel!”_

_“No it’s Superman!”_

“Clark? In my Batman musical? It’s more likely than you think!” said Conner.

 _“No.. Not him,”_ said Batman with a groan as Superman flew in.

“Oo, He’s kinda cute,” said Babs.

Jason wrinkled up his nose. “He looks more like Dick than Superman”.

She smiled. “Yeah, like I said he’s kinda cute.”

“Gross.”

 _“Hey guys, check it out, Captain Marvel is racing Batman’s plane!”_ said a Gothamite pointing towards Batman and Superman.

 _“I’m winning,”_ said Batman.

 _“Oh god, are my limitless powers about to run out?”_ Superman flashed a shit-eating grin and sped up, pulling ahead.

“Okay but do you guys even have a plane?” asked Kon looking at Tim.

Tim grinned. “Yes, and I know what we’re doing as soon as I can convince B to let me borrow it.”

“Oh, you’re on bat boy!”

On-screen, Batman and Superman walked away from the crowd and sat on a pile of crates. _“Hey, uh sorry if I embarrassed you back there, I can’t help how powerful I am, ya know?,”_ said Superman smugly.

 _“Yeah, sure. But you must have some weakness,”_ said Batman.

_“Hmm… Uh nope, nope”._

“This is exactly the way they were when they first met, oh my god, it was awful,” said Dick.

 _“Oh, okay, not even Kryptonite?”_ said Batman.

 _“Where’d you hear that from?”_ Superman was no longer smug.

_“From Lex Luthor, at Golf”._

“B plays golf?” asked Steph. “Wait no, don’t answer that, he’s rich as fuck there’s no way he doesn’t”.

_“He also told me you can’t see through lead which is why my mask is lined with it.”_

Batman patted Superman’s knee. _“It’s alright, some of us superheroes like having secret identities, *cough cough*, Clark Kent.”_

 _“Who’s that? I don’t even know who that is,”_ said Clark unconvincingly.

_“Oh, that’s funny, because it’s you.”_

“How does he keep people from realizing who he is if he doesn’t wear a mask? I never thought about that,” Steph said.

Kon shrugged. “He doesn’t have a civilian identity officially. As far as the general public’s concerned he just is Superman.”

“Also glasses,” said Cass.

“...Also glasses,” concedes Kon.

On-screen Batman and Superman shouted _“Fuck you!”_ at each other. Batman stormed off and flew his plane back to the Batcave. Dick laughed. “This is making me nostalgic”.

An actor made to look older than he actually was with stage makeup and temporary hair dye entered. He shuffled over to Batman and said, _“Welcome home sir”._

“Is that Alfred?” asked Babs.

“His accent is awful! He sounds like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins,” Damian sneered.

Batman sat and took off his cowl. _“...You know the ONE thing that made me happy, the one THING that I liked was being more powerful than everyone else. Made me feel like I was worth a damn… But if I can’t even fly faster than Superman I might as well die!”_

Jason snorted. “That’s our B.” Dick laughed despite himself.

_“Come on then Sir, cheer up, you know there’s more to life than senseless violence and extravagant peacocking. Think sir, who do you like spending time with?”_

_“The Joker but he’s in heaven now with Mom and Pops. Making ‘em laugh I just know it.”_

“Oof,” said Tim. Jason just raised his eyebrows. Dick leaned into him, pressing the bridge of his nose against the crook of Jason’s neck, like somehow physical contact could make it better. Like it wouldn’t always be too soon to joke about the hurt, even if that was Jason’s favorite way to deal with it; to push it aside or weaponize it. On-screen Bruce was still talking _“...Closest thing that I have to a friend is… you, but I pay you.”_

 _“Surely there’s somebody else? What about your work friends?”_ Alfred asked.

_“The only person I ever see over at Wayne Enterprises is... Lucius Fox, he’s my friend, right? I haven’t talked to him in a dog’s age! I’ll give him a call right now!”_

_“Oh, well, perhaps I should leave the room first!”_

_“No Alfred, you should stick around, you should say hi too!”_

“No- no wait, sir, please!” Before Alfred could leave the room Bruce made the call and Alfred’s phone rang. Alfred smiled awkwardly and said _“I’ve a confession to make sir. Lucius Fox and Alfred Pennyworth are the same person. You see when I was stationed in Burma with your father... I made a promise. I swore that if anything ever happened to him, I would pretend to be your butler.”_

“Holy plot twist Batman!” said Tim.

Kon looked at him suspiciously. “Are you sure that Alfred isn’t Lucius in real life?”

“Pretty sure. I think I would notice.” The two men were different races after all. And Tim was fairly certain that he had seen them both in the same place at least once.

Kon narrowed his eyes, “Hm… I’ll take your word for it.”

 _“So what you’re saying is that… I don’t have one friend after all,”_ cried on-screen Bruce. _“Alfreeed, how could you do this to meee?! Turns out I can’t even trust you after all. You’re fired, you old fraud! Get the hell out of the Batcave.”_

“I don’t believe Father could fire Pennyworth if he tried.” Damian shook his head. He didn’t even want to imagine a situation that could lead to Pennyworth leaving the family.

 _“You wouldn’t last a day without me!”_ said Alfred.

Steph laughed, “Where’s the lie though?”

 _“Oh I will to!”_ retorted Bruce.

 _“Fuck you,”_ Alfred stormed out slamming the door behind him.

Nearly everyone in Dick’s living room gasped.

“Did he just- Did he just say-” sputtered Dick.

“Alfie dropped an F-bomb,” said Tim in awe.

Jason nodded sagely. “So much for realism.”

Alfred returned wearing a green hat and a bright orange beard. _“Top o’ the mornin’, sir!”_

 _“Who are you and how did you get into the Batcave?”_ said Bruce.

 _“Oh, me? Well, the agency sent me over. I’m what’s his face’s replacement. My name is O’Malley, the Irish butler,”_ said Alfred.

 _“Good to meet you, O’Malley, I’m Batman, and I’m in a bad mood, and the cave is a mess,”_ Bruce whined.

_“It’s a nice cave-”_

“That is a laughably bad disguise and he hasn’t changed his accent at all, it’s insulting that this portrayal of father doesn’t see through it,” said Damian crinkling up his nose.

On-screen Alfred noticed that Bruce was crying. _“Oh, I’m sorry would you like to be alone?”_

 _“Hn. I am alone. This is what it means to be Batman. Darkness. Solitude. This is the life that I have chosen, nay… the life that’s chosen me.”_ Batman left the stage sobbing.

“I’m pretty sure that’s verbatim what he said to me when we first met,” said Tim.

Dick nodded “Sounds about right. He can be so dramatic when he’s upset.”

Alfred took off his disguise and the music built. He began singing. _“Poor Master Bruce, Poor Mr. Wayne, Lonely Caboose on a one-car train-”_

“New nickname check,” said Steph grinning.

“If any of you call him that to his face I will… I dunno… bake you a cake?” said Jason. Half of these kids had trust funds so it wasn’t like Jason could just pay them to do it.

“Oh fuck yeah. Get some purple food coloring, cause Ima work that into one of my rants next time he pisses me off,” said Steph gleefully.

_“-I tried to raise you right, I tried to raise you proper. I tried to be a mentor and a friend. And a mama and a papa too.”_

“I’m actually getting emotional. This is surreal,” said Dick.

“Alfred’s so British, is he even able to be that open without spontaneously combusting?” said Babs.

“He does talk about shit like this sometimes, but he wouldn’t do it in public, he goes for the one on one when he’s got something touchy-feely to say,” said Jason.

“Okay, but could you imagine him singing it? I would have a stroke,” said Tim.

When Alfred had finished his verse the lights went down on him and came up on Bruce who was moping by the phone. He began singing. _“When I look at my life I see something’s not right, like a thousand percent-”_

Dick grabbed one of the Capri-suns that Damian had rejected. He fiddled with it trying and failing to get the straw in.

“Just give it to me,” said Jason. Dick grudgingly handed it over, and when Jason was able to get it in one go he grumbled.

“You’re welcome,” said Jason smugly.

_“-I put most of the blame on Alfred, why couldn’t he take the bullet intended for Mama and Papa?”_

“Loads of people have daddy or mommy issues but I think B’s the only person with Butler issues,” said Steph.

“Honestly though, this is why I’m never having kids, it’s impossible not to screw them up somehow,” said Jason.

_"-Oh! I’m falling apart, I need a friend! Somebody to hold onto! Somebody to confide in! Think of the children next time you gun down their Mama and Papa, their only Mama and Papa. Because they probably don’t have another Mama and Papa.”_

“Dead parent Jokes for the win,” said Tim.

Dick nodded. “Only the tragically orphaned can laugh, the rest of you just get to feel uncomfortable.”

Bruce began a second verse, _“I was seeing a girl for a while, a couple days anyway, and I told her I loved her.”_ A group of women in black came out dancing and singing backup vocals.

“Wait-” said Babs. “I think they’re supposed to be the cave bats?!”

“I’m dead,” said Tim. “Gremlin, do you think you could train the real ones to do that?”

Damian huffed. “Maybe, I could get them to fly in formation, but it would take weeks of training for little benefit.”

Jason grinned. “Could you get them to fly at someone on command? Might be useful.”

“Their training will commence tomorrow,” said Damian, clearly pleased at the idea.

_“-I’m falling apart! I need a friend! Somebody to hold onto! Somebody to confide in! Somebody to ride in the cockpit, co-captain of the friendship ship. Or maybe just the friend ship. But if I had a buddy, we would discuss, just what we’d call the friendship.”_

Dick giggled at the pun.

The music shifted. Bruce sang, _“I wanna be somebody’s buddy, somebody who’ll be my buddy back. I wanna be somebody’s buddy, anybody but a dumbshit butler”._

“Father does have friends, doesn’t he?” said Damian.

On-screen Superman and Green Lantern joined Batman, _“I wanna be somebody’s buddy, somebody who could be my buddy back. I wanna be somebody’s buddy, anybody but a dumbshit butler”._

“I mean, he has the league, and Alfred and Lucius,” said Tim.

“And us,” said Cass.

The cave bats began singing a counter line. Chorus members came in and provided more back up vocals.

“But is he lonely?” asked Damian. If not for Richard, and Colin, and Jon he would be lonely. He had been lonely before them, even if he hadn’t known it. It was distressing to think that Father might be without proper companionship.

“Listen, Dami, if Bruce is lonely at this point it's on him,” said Dick. “He has so many people in his life who care about him, he just has to let us in.”

The chorus members, the music, and the other superheroes cut out leaving Batman to sing the last line alone, acapella. _“I wanna be somebody’s buddy, somebody who’ll be my buddy back”._

Damian resolved to improve Father’s social life. Perhaps he and Jon could engineer a ‘play date’ for their respective fathers? That might work.

The scene changed to Superman leaving a voicemail for Batman. _“Hey… So me and Aquaman, and some of the other guys, we’re gonna be fighting Solomon Grundy-”_

“Who?” asked Steph.

“Oh, he’s like, a murder Zombie,” said Kon.

Jason looked at Dick with a shit-eating grin.

Dick glared at him. “Shut up and eat your popcorn, you troll.”

Jason feigned innocence. “Who me? Didn’t say a word.”

 _“-Uhhhh, give me a call back, bye.”_ Superman hung up and Green Lantern came in holding a beer. _“Hey, were you just talking to Batman?”_

_“Yeah, yeah, well his machine anyway.”_

_“Aw, cool… You wanna beer? I can make Rolling Rock or Heineken.”_

“Is this because both beers are green?” asked Damian thoughtfully.

“Aw. Yes, uh... Well no, the beer is brown, but the bottles are,” said Dick rubbing the back of his head. How much should he tell a 12-year-old about alcohol?

_“Oh! Sure, sure, um… I’ll have a… a Heineken sounds good”._

_“WA wa WA wa WA,”_ Green Lantern mimed using his ring and pulled out a bottle from behind his back. Superman looked disappointed. _“Oh, Rolling Rock, that’s fine…"_

“And going on context clues, we can assume that this Lantern is Hal,” said Tim.

 _“Cheers man,”_ said the Lantern that was probably Hal Jordan. He and Superman sat. Superman looked bummed. _“...Man, Fuck Batman”._

_“Woah, woah, woah! What’s wrong with Batman?”_

_“I dunno, I just feel like he’s an overrated hero! Y’know, the guy doesn’t even have any superpowers, and have you seen how many twitter followers he has?”_

_“More than you?”_

“I fucking wish B would let me set up a Batman Twitter account,” said Tim.

“Wait, y’all don’t have one? Clark has a Superman one,” said Kon.

“When I brought it up he was all like, ‘It’s a security risk Robin, Serious crime fighters don’t have social media Robin’, so I dropped it,” said Tim.

“Batgirl has a Twitter,” said Steph, smiling. Babs had started it back in the day, and she’d passed it down alongside the mantle.

“Yeah, I feel like this is an ask forgiveness rather than permission situation,” said Jason.

“I didn’t have your bad influence to guide me yet, I was a good little Robin. ...I even got the @ just in case he changes his mind, but… has he ever changed his mind about anything?” said Tim.

“True.”

 _“You know what else is stupid about Batman? His villains!”_ ranted Superman. _“It’s just a new guy in a different colored suit wearing a thing on his head and making puns!”_

“100% factually correct,” said Steph.

“During my run as a villain I never wore a suit and I made no puns,” said Jason.

“You did wear a thing on your head,” Tim pointed out.

“You weren’t a villain, little wing, you were… Uhhh...” Dick hesitated. He couldn’t think of a way to end that sentence without being insulting. “Going through some shit?”

Jason laughed. “Thanks for standing up for me man, but, like from the amount of times I tried to kill Timmy? I was definitely a villain. I even monologued!”

“...perhaps you are too hard on yourself Todd..”

Jason looked at Damian, surprised. “...Aw, kid I didn’t know you cared”.

“Tt. I do not.” Damian had just been stating the facts, but for some reason, Richard was beaming at him as though he’d done something commendable. “You must remember that I too have tried to kill Drake.”

“If Dick tries, I’ll have a full set,” Tim joked morosely.

“I love you kid, but I hope you never win that particular sweepstakes.” Jason took a swig of his beer. He knew that it was a goddamn miracle the bats wanted him here at all. Hopefully, they never came to their senses, Jason was getting attached.

_“You know… It’s like, I bet the next person Batman’s gonna fight is gonna be… what’s the stupidest thing I can think of… candy! A candy-themed villain. Somebody who kills people with candy.”_

“Do we have one of those?” asked Babs.

Dick thought for a moment. “I think there was this one case, like way back in the day, where some dude tried to replace the city’s water supply with chocolate, but I think he was a one hit wonder.”

“That doesn’t even sound that bad,” said Steph.

“Yeah, I remember being kinda sad we had to stop him.”

_“They’re only so famous because Batman screws up all the time and lets them kill people!”_

Jason raised his eyebrows, but he wasn’t going to say anything. He’d already had every possible version of this argument with the bats, and he wasn’t going to ruin movie night with a reprise. Still though, it was vindicating that fake Superman agreed with him.

_“It’s like, have you ever heard of Mister Mxyzptlk?”_

“Mr. McSpitlick?” asked Tim.

“No, Mr. Mxyzptlk,” corrected Kon, even though he knew normal humans had no chance of pronouncing a fifth-dimensional name. “He’s a fuckin’ menace, be glad you’ve never had to deal with him.”

_“-That’s because I do my goddamn job!”_

_“I gotta go! Sinestro’s forming an evil core. It’s the guardians… work stuff.”_ said Hal after getting a notification on his ring.

_“Alright, see you on Monday I guess.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Dude! The Solomon Grundy thing. You’re coming right?”_

_“Oh.. uh, yeah… maybe…”_ said Green Lantern as he flew away. The lights went down and techno music began playing. When the lights came up again several actors began dancing and singing. _“Line up, sign up, if you’re looking for some sin,”_ sang a familiar voice.

“Whoa, is Green lantern Scarecrow?” said Dick.

“Tt. The same actor. He was also the narrator at the beginning.”

 _“And a dirty way to win,”_ sang a red-headed woman that must have been Poison Ivy.

“I love what she’s wearing,” said Tim.

 _“Get pissed, enlist, tap into the devil within,”_ sang a man with a monocle and a top hat.

“He’s much better looking than our Penguin, but like that’s not a high bar,” said Steph.

 _“Let the Villainy begin,”_ said a man in what looked like an astronaut suit with a deep voice.

“Why is Mr. Freeze adorable, that’s not allowed,” said Tim.

 _“we’re joining forces,”_ they all sang.

 _“we’re making clever quips,”_ said a woman in a green suit covered with purple question marks.

“Her voice,” moaned Steph.

 _“We revel in malevolence!”_ they sung together.

 _“Giddy up, Gotham!”_ said Mr. Freeze.

“I wanna pet his mohawk,” said Tim.

“Right?” said Steph.

 _“Giddy up, up up!”_ sang a woman in a black skin-tight suit seductively.

“Jesus take the wheel, a blonde Catwoman, I’m gonna need CPR,” said Steph.

 _“We’re going rouge, rouge, rouge! Rouges are we!”_ sang all six Rouges.

“Is no one else disturbed by this?” asked Jason quietly.

Babs raised an eyebrow, “You mean, people that have tried to hurt us over and over again being portrayed as goofy but lovable freaks?”

“Oh, no, I meant the fact that Blondie and the replacement are openly lusting after them.”

“Oh, well, I mean…” said Babs. “I see your point, but like, also, look at them dance, like you can’t deny that that’s… entertaining.”

_“Riddle me this, I’ve got a puzzle that’ll put you to tears. I’m cruel but never crass.”_

“Oh, FemRiddler, take me now,” said Steph.

_“I’ve got Ice in my veins!”_

“He’s so tall, I want him to consume me,” said Tim.

“ _Venom on the vine, I’ll weed out any wussy,”_

_“I’m a pretty little kitty but I ain’t no-”_

“PUSSY!” shouted Tim and Steph.

“Dick-olaus, reign in your children!” said Jason. Dick just laughed.

_“Rogues are we!”_

The song ended and the rogues began their meeting. _“We rouges are birds of a feather and we’re getting plucked together by a man who dresses up as a bat!”_ said Penguin.

 _“Because of Batman, my operations have been put on Ice. My assets are frozen!”_ said Mr. Freeze.

“God, how I miss the puns,” said Dick.

“You still make the puns,” said Cass.

Dick laughed. “I guess, but everyone would make puns back when I first started out. Even B. Those were the days.”

On-screen Catwoman was saying, _“We’d better catnip this thing in the bud before that mouse with wings sends us all to the pound.”_

A man in half a mask entered and said, _“I second that!”_

_“Two Face, you deuce bag! You didn’t get an invite.”_

_“Come on, please let me join the council of Rouges!”_ Two Face whined.

“Wow, this Two Face sucks ass,” said Tim.

“He is not a worthy enemy, that is certain,” said Damian.

 _“Get your broke ass out of here, Two Face!”_ said Mr. Freeze.

 _“Deuces!”_ Two-Face went to leave but bumped into a strange man in a pink suit.

 _“Alright who’s the wise guy who thinks he’s a joker?”_ asked Penguin.

The stranger was keeping to the shadows and hiding his face with his hat. _“The joker? Ah ha ha ha. The Joker was a **sucker** ,”_ The man pulled a lollipop out of nowhere. Dick slow clapped.

The new rogue was still talking, “You can call me Sweet Tooth.” He stepped into the light revealing himself completely. All the other rogues gasped.

“This fucker,” said Jason. Everything from Sweet Tooth’s brightly colored suit to his manic grin pissed him off.

 _“Sweet Tooth is the coolest new villain in town! He’s been terrorizing Gotham with his candy-themed crimes!”_ said Scarecrow.

_“Yes it’s been quite a **spree** hasn’t it? And yet I still haven’t been invited to join the rouge’s gallery. What you need is a new leader-” _

Dick handed Jason another Capri-sun to open with a pout.

Jason grinned. “I thought you were supposed to be the big brother.”

“Shh, or I start asking Babs to open them for me.”

Onscreen Penguin called in a giant penguin called Chilly Willy to fight Sweet Tooth. Sweet Tooth pulled out a Tootsie Pop and said, “How many licks will it take to kill you? A-one, a-twooo, a-threeeEE!” before stabbing Chilly Willy in the neck with the wrong end of the sucker.

“I don’t understand why licking it would kill him… unless it was poisoned?” said Damian.

“Oh wow!” said Dick, “Have you never seen those commercials?”

“They have this asshole owl that’s like ‘How many licks will it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?’ but he always bites into it after three so you never find out!’” said Jason.

“It takes around forty licks per millimeter of candy,” said Tim looking up from his phone. Damian glared at him baffled.

On-screen Sweet Tooth was laughing maniacally. _“I say we kill the bat! if we ever want it to be **payday** we’ve got to strengthen our numbers. You see, divided we rouges are just **runts** but together we pack a **sour punch**.”_

“Sugar and puns? This is what would happen if Dick went rogue,” said Babs.

 _“- If we work together there’s no way one man could stop us no matter how batty he is. So! We need to recruit every villain in Gotham... We’re gonna give Gotham something sweet to suck on, baby!_ ” With that Sweet Tooth led the rogues in a reprise of Rogues Are We to Steph and Tim’s delight.

The scene changed and Alfred, in disguise as O’Malley tottered in and knocked on Bruce’s door. _“I’ve got a surprise for you.”_

The door opened and Bruce poked his head out. _“What kind of surprise?”_

_“A visitor.”_

Bruce slammed the door. _“I don’t like visitors.”_

 _“Yes, I know, but this visitor is unlike any other. You see this visitor, he’s from the circus.”_ Alfred’s revelation succeeded in getting Bruce to poke his head out again.

Everyone looked at Dick who shrugged. “Huh, who could that be?” he deadpanned.

 _“Who likes the circus?”_ said Alfred.

_“Batman loves the circus.”_

_“Well, will you come out and give it a shot?”_

Bruce considers it, _“I’ll try.”_

 _“Very good, sir!”_ Alfred led Bruce over to an actor dressed as a very proper looking little boy who was reading a book.

“That can’t be me,” protested Dick. “No way!”

 _“Give this young man a chance please sir. He’s fallen on a patch of bad luck. You see… He’s an orphan,”_ Alfred was saying on screen.

 _“Well, I know how that is. You know what? I’m gonna go introduce myself to him.”_ Bruce walked over to the boy and said, _“Hi, I’m Bruceman, I mean, I’m Batwayne. Fuck!”_

Everyone giggled except Damian, and even he looked amused.

_“Charmed, I’m sure. They call me… Dick”._

“It is you Dickie!” said Jason. Dick pouted.

_“Does that hurt your feelings?”_

_“No… It’s my name…”_

“Why do you sound so posh?” asked Babs. Dick shrugged. “I had an accent when Bruce first brought me home, but it sure wasn’t that one!”

Alfred came back onstage and said, _“Well it’s nice to see you two hitting it off. Can I get you something to drink sir?”_

Both Bruce and the on-screen Dick spoke at the same time, _“A juice box, and make it a mott’s, god damn it!”_

“Well it looks like they got one thing right,” quipped Tim looking at the pile of empty Capri-Suns at Dick’s feet.

 _“-What makes you any different from the rest of them, eh? Who is Bruce Wayne?”_ on-screen Dick was saying.

_“Heh. Who is Bruce Wayne? Dick, I know that you’re just a teeny little boy, and we’ve only just now met, but… I wanna tell you something, something I’ve never told anyone before, except for a couple of my ex-girlfriends, and my last butler, and my new butler.”_

_“What is it, Bruce?”_

_“I’m Batman!”_

“Oh, he didn’t tell me,” said the real Dick. “I had to figure it out!”

_“And now I have something to tell you! It’s always been my secret dream to join in your crusade and fight alongside as your sidekick!”_

“...Partner!! Not a sidekick!” Dick corrected his onscreen counterpart.

_“No Dick I can’t, I live a dark and gritty life of solitude. To be Batman is to be alone.”_

“Whoever wrote this has Bruce down pat,” said Jason.

_“But Batman, I’m alone too. Perhaps, we could be alone together.”_

_“Then to strike terror into the hearts of the superstitious, criminal scum of Gotham, you must take on the guise of that which you fear most, to scare them. So tell me, Dick, what are you afraid of?”_

“If I went with that method, I’d be abandonment man,” said Tim.

“It’s me, enclosed spaces boy,” said Jason.

“And I’m abject failure-lass,” quipped Steph.

_“What am I afraid of? Years ago when I was a humble circus boy, my parents and I performed together in an acrobatic trio! Until one night... they were murdered, mid-air, by a robin!”_

“Umm… what?” asked Kon. “Is that… true?”

Dick winced. “No… it was a mobster… Robin was my mother’s nickname for me”.

 _“-From this moment forward, the rogues of Gotham shall tremble in fear before the tweeting song of Robin!”_ onscreen Dick tore away his prep school clothes revealing his Robin costume.

“Oh my lord,” says Steph. “It’s just green tighty whities!”

“Do you think he has underwear under his underwear?” asked Babs.

“We didn’t,” said Jason looking at Dick who blushed.

_“-tonight, BATMAN and ROBIN take to the streets! I’ll race you to the batmobile!”_

Batman and Robin ran off the stage. Several Goons came on and started loading chickens onto a truck under the direction of a villain with a paper mâché egg on his head.

 _“Let’s see what Gotham City does without a ready supply of eggs!”_ said the villain. Bird song played in the distance. _“Hey what the deviled was that?”_

 _“Sounds like a bird,”_ said a goon.

“Hey it’s Matches from earlier!” said Dick.

“Ooh! He’s the same actor as Mr. Freeze!” said Tim. Jason groaned.

_“-that wasn’t no clucking chicken. Sounded more like-”_

_“-A Robin!!”_ Batman and Robin jumped out onto the stage.

 _“We heard you were hatching a scheme, Egghead!”_ The two of them took out the criminals and then Robin spotted something. _“Look Batman a dog!”_

 _“Quick Robin, pet it!”_ the two of them ran off stage.

“That’s literally Dick and Dami as Batman and Robin,” said Steph.

A waitress came on and said, _“Hey, welcome to TGI Fridays, Oh my god it’s Calendar man!”_

 _“Right! You may have thought I was waiting for a table, but now it’s time to march to your death!”_ said Calendar man in an aggressively British accent.

“Is that my Dad?” asked Barbara.

_“Uhhh! I’m sorry, but here at TGI Friday's all we can offer you is lukewarm service and a forced fun atmosphere!”_

Batman and Robin jumped out. _“Calendar man your days are numbered!”_

“Dude! He has a bo staff!” said Tim. “I feel included!”

Batman and Robin took down Calendar man, and when the waitress turned to thank them Batman took her down too. Music began playing.

 _“How could it all have been so-”_ sang Batman.

 _“-lonesome and hopeless I know,”_ sang Robin.

_“Promise you won’t go out and get mugged and murdered on me.”_

“Whoops,” said Jason. Dick elbowed him in the ribs. “I swear to god!”

_“-We’ll have each other’s backs and-”_

_“-listen to the Jackson 5 and dance the night away!”_ Robin wiggled his hips.

Tim gulped. “I keep thinking he’s gonna fall out, but he has to have things… taped down.”

“Tell your kid brother to cover his eyes just in case,” said Kon.

 _“Robin, you parted the clouds,”_ sang Batman.

 _“By the light of the moon, we have found the sunrise,”_ sang Robin as he jumped into Batman’s arms.

“Were you really that adorable back then?” asked Steph.

“Yes,” said Babs. “No,” said Dick at the same time.

“What?” said Babs. “You totally were.”

“Batman and Robin were supposed to be scary!” said Dick.

 _“You are my bright knight!”_ sang Robin.

 _“You’re my morning bird!”_ sang Batman.

 _“We’re wingmen singing in thirds,”_ they sang together.

“Cute,” said Cass.

Dick sulked. Jason patted him on the back. “Don’t worry Dickie, everyone knows you had Maroni shitting his pants before you even hit double digits.”

“Hmph.”

Babs laughed.

_“-no more dark sad lonely knights!”_

The song ended and Robin exited the stage. Penguin came in and trapped Batman in a giant birdcage. _“Wah! As soon as the birdseed fills the bottom of that birdcage, I’m gonna release my hybrid-ostrich hybrid murder birds. And they’re gonna peck your fucking brains out! Oh, what’s the matter, Batman? Not a bird lover?”_

_“On the contrary… there is one bird that I love very much!”_

_“A Robin!”_ Robin jumped out and attacked Penguin with his bo staff.

“Hell yeah!” said Tim.

_“Thanks, old chum.”_

_“Hey, don’t mention it, Batman. Now, let’s get this jailbird back to the cuckoo’s nest.”_ Batman and Robin high fived.

 _“Gotham City still has a sweet tooth and that means no one’s safe!”_ Penguin ate a piece of poisoned candy and died before Batman could interrogate him. Robin picked up the rest of Penguin’s candy and slipped it into his underwear eliciting giggles from half of the room.

“Did you ever wish you had pockets?” Jason asked Dick.

“Leotards don’t have pockets.”

“Hn. ‘Leotards don’t have pockets’ my ass.”

 _“-we’ve got to get to the bottom of this,”_ Batman growled. _“We’ve got to find this sweet tooth and pluck it before Gotham gets a cavity.”_

_“Well, I’m not worried, because there’s nothing that we can’t do together. Isn’t that right lifelong friend?”_

_“Life Partner!”_

Batman and Robin did a secret handshake _“Buddies, bros, homies, amigos! Pizza, Nintendo! Woo woo, let’s go!”_

“Did you and Father truly have a handshake?” asked Damian. Dick shook his head. “No, but you and I can if you want to!”

Batman and Robin began singing. _“We’re like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family.”_

“How is he singing that high!?” asked Kon. Tim shrugged. “Maybe he’s a meta?”

 _“-and it feels like it was destined to be so!”_ Batman and Robin did continuous high kicks.

“That actor’s thighs!” said Tim.

“You should have seen the real deal,” said Babs. Tim made a face and Dick laughed. “Please Tim, we all know you changed the suit cause you knew you didn’t have the legs to pull it off!” He emphasized his point by kicking his foot up and pointing his toes.

“... you know… It couldn’t have been the pockets… or the shaving…” said Jason.

“Or the fact that I actually have a sense of modesty… no, it was totally that I have twig legs,” said Tim.

_“So very nice!”_

As the song finished Batman and Robin remained on stage, still doing high kicks, but the focus shifted to the three villains who had entered.

 _“Oh hiss and vinegar,”_ said Catwoman. _“What are we going to do meow?”_

 _“Batman was fearsome before, but now he's got Robin,”_ said Poison Ivy

 _“ **Godiva** plan!”_ Sweet Tooth pulled out a chocolate bar. _“The Bat’s got a soft spot for that bird and another word for soft spot is weak spot. I think it’s time to put an end to this dynamic duet, don’t you? Say good night Dark Knight!”_

“So this guy’s basically the Joker, but with better puns?” asked Tim. Babs nodded. “Yup.”

“Oh goody,” said Jason glumly then he noticed something. “Wait a minute, were Bruce and Baby Dick still dancing that entire time? Jesus...”

The three Rogues and all of the defeated goons joined Batman and Robin in their high kicking. At the end of the following dance break, Batman opened his arms and Robin jumped into them and kissed the top of his cowl.

“Aww!” said Babs.

“And that’s the end of act I,” said Tim. “How do you guys feel about it so far?”

“I wouldn’t mind watching the rest,” said Damian.

“It’s deeply weird seeing myself like that,” said Dick, “but I like it?”

Jason smiled. “Alright now, you know what intermission means. Get up and go piss before it starts up again!”


	2. Act II Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decide to split act II into two parts cause it was getting kinda long. Don't worry though, I already have the next (and final) chapter written, I just need to type it up!

"Alright, everyone ready? " asked Jason. "If not, you better do something about it now, cause if you get up to shit in the middle of a scene, we're not gonna pause it for you!"

Steph laughed. "I think good! Start it up, Tim?"

"Wait! I'm grabbing a blanket!" said Damian already halfway to Dick's linen closet.

"Oh, grab me one too," Tim called as he hit play, not waiting for Damian at all. The first scene opened on Vicki Vale interviewing several Gothamites about Robin.

_"Nuh, what do I think about Robin? It's plain to me that..."_

_"Uh, Batman's hangin' out with some fuckin' kid now? I might be the only one who thinks this, but uh..."_

_"I'm pretty sure that everyone agrees that..."_

All three citizens spoke in unison, _"-Robin sucks!"_

"What," hissed Damian as he re-entered the room. He flung one of the blankets he had gone to get at Tim and slunk off to the la-Z-boy sulking. 

_"Batman's making jokes with some fuckin' kid now? It's like, don't do that."_

_"The concept of a child crime fighter is ridiculous. It ruins the gritty realism of a man who fights crime dressed as a bat!"_

"Does that guy's shirt say 'believe in Harvey Dent?" asked Kon. "Isn't that one of your villains?"

"Two-Face," said Cass helpfully.

Tim massaged his temples. "It's probably merch from that Nolan trilogy."

"Oo. We should watch that next," said Steph. 

"That would be... not a good idea," said Tim tersely. He was pretty sure that the first one would traumatize Damian and the second one would traumatize everyone else. "Trust me, I only watched the trailers and... Well, I'll never be able to enjoy, A Knight's Tale or 10 Things I Hate About You ever againnnn..." Tim trailed off as the ensemble cast began singing. 

_"Batman doesn't need a sidekick-"_

"Excuse me, what?" Tim said with a sharp edge to his voice. Batman _needed_ Robin.

_"-undermines his whole aesthetic, whole thing just gives me a headache, Robin sucks!"_

"Hmph, this song sucks."

"I dunno, it's kinda catch- OW! Jesus, Dick!!" Jason scornfully rubbed his cheek where Dick had flicked him.

On-screen, all the Gothamites left the stage, and Robin entered pulling a large man behind him by the hand. _"Another criminal Commissioner!"_

_"Hey, uh... Thanks, Robin, but where are your pants?"_

Dick had fire in his eyes. "I am so sick of people giving me shit over this!"

On-screen Commissioner Gordon began to drop trou. _"If you can't afford a pair of pants I'll give you mine!"_ Babs cringed.

"Apparently that's her thing. That actress always plays a guy, and she always loses her pants at some point," said Tim.

"A woman after Dicks own heart," said Jason, unsuccessfully dodging a second attack from Dick. "Fucking hell man! That's gonna bruise!"

"I flicked you... You're fine..."

"Twice in the same spot!! And you have strong hands!!"

Dick chuckled. "You big baby."

Jason flipped him off with a smile.

_"Robins are so common, they're the state bird of Wisconson so, What else do you need to know? Robin sucks!"_

"That was slander!" growled Damian.

"Or maybe libel?" said Tim. "Either way it was defamation."

Babs smiled. "Boys wonder, you almost sound like you're planning to sue."

"Only if it were possible?" said Damian looking at Tim expectantly. Tim laughed.

On stage, Robin rushed to help a woman being menaced by Sweet Tooth and his Goons. _"Ms. Dawes, go! I'll take care of the lollipop guild!"_

_"Aww, thanks Robin, now I feel bad for thinking you suck!"_

Several of the Robins in Dick's apartment huffed in vindication.

On-screen, Sweet Tooth turned to his tallest minion. _"Hand me my Bazooka, Joe!"_

 _"That Bazooka is shooting my legs with bubble gum! Mmh, I can't move them!"_ cried Ms. Dawes.

 _"Tee hee! Now that's what I'd call a sticky situation, huh ST?"_ said a woman with two-toned blue and pink hair. 

_"You said it, Candy!"_ said Sweet Tooth. _"She's my little **Sugar Baby**!"_

 _"And he's my **Sweet 'art** ," _said Candy, pulling a pack of Sweet Tarts out of her bustier.

Sweet Tooth's demeanor shifted in an instant. He violently attacked Candy and threw her to the ground. _"I'm the one who makes candy puns around here!! GOT IT?!"_

"They really are just the Joker and Harley, but with prop comedy..." said Steph. 

Robin ran to help her up. _"Miss! Miss! Did he hurt you?"_

 _"No. It felt like a **Kiss**. Take this bird boy!" _Candy grabbed Robin and jabbed him with a sedative. _"So, whaddya say, ST? Should we kill him **Now or Later**?"_

Jason raised his eyebrows. "Jesus Christ..."

"How does she fit all that candy down her bra?" said Kon, eyes wide.

"Tt. All but the first piece were taped to the folds in her skirt. Simple sleight of hand."

 _"No, no, no. I have plans for this little **Chiclet**. **Take 5** boys! We got a long night ahead of us! Candy, be a **Dove** and tell my troops to move on Gotham square!" _After Sweet Tooth finished talking he left the stage, followed by Candy, and his goons carrying the unconscious Robin.

The scene changed. In the Batcave, Bruce was reading that day's newspaper. _"What's this? 'Batman's new sidekick is a lame, cheery, cheesy, fruity, fruitcake'? 'He ruins the once-beloved dark and gritty Batman'? Robin ruin Batman? But, but that's not true! Robin make Batman happy. Why would someone write something like this?"_

Babs smiled and shook her head. Dick, Jason, and Damian all looked wistful. She could only see the back of Tim's head, but she'd bet her bottom dollar that he was feeling the same.

In the Batcave, a siren went off. _"Oh, the Bat alarm, sir!"_

_"You're right Alfred! Put it up on the big screen."_

_"Less than 30 minutes ago Gotham Square was taken hostage by a group of heavily armed thugs,"_ reported Vicki Vale. _"Police have been unable to penetrate the barricade of rouges surrounding the square. And just ten minutes ago, we here at channel 7 received this video and have been demanded to air it. I warn you, it is disturbing."_

 _"Hello Gotham, it's me,"_ said Sweet Tooth. _"I'm sure you've noticed by now that Gotham Square is in my sticky grasp. Oh and Batman? I sure hope you're watching, because this is sure to make your mouth water."_ Candy shoved Robin into view of the camera.

Jason tensed up ever so slightly and Dick shot him a questioning glance, but Jason shrugged him off.

_"Poor Robin. He risks his life trying to be Gotham's **Life Saver** and they hate his guts! But how much? I'm dying to find out, so I've devised a little death trap. See, I've set up a Facebook poll, haha, and for the next seven hours I'll be taking votes from the Gotham populace. The moment the sun rises I will either lower the **Warhead** into the city's water supply, or I will kill Robin. So it's all for the people of Gotham to decide. Do I implode your heads or do I put a bullet into the boy wonder's? Haha, so unless Batman betrays you all and shows up at Gotham Square to save his little **Nerd** , the Robin dies at dawn!"_

"Oh, cool guys," said Tim looking up from his phone. "Apparently the poll is a reference to a poll in our comics to... Oh! Nevermind!"

"Dude, just tell us," said Jason.

"Yeah, you can't leave us hanging like that," said Steph.

Tim shifted uncomfortably. "It was to... todecideifJasondied."

"...The fuck?" said Jason.

"That's what the comment said..."

On-screen Batman reacted to Sweet Tooth's ultimatum. _"No! Sweet Tooth, No! Oh, Robin. Robin! What do I do? Abandon Gotham or forsake my oldest chum? Choose my city or my friend?"_

_"A true hero, Master Wayne, finds a way to do both."_

_"You're right Alfred. I know what I have to do. Fuck Gotham! I'm saving Robin."_

Jason stood. "I'm gonna... y'know..." he pointed vaguely in the direction of Dick's bathroom. "Don't wait up for me." Before anyone could say anything he left the room, making the effort to walk at a steady pace, not to bolt. He went to the sink and splashed water on his face, trying not to think. This fucking sucked.

He couldn't shake away from the rawness of it all. Everything in him was screaming to bail out on whatever this family night was and leave everything behind. Staying would hurt, like walking on a busted foot, every inch he moved forward would be a painful reminder of how easily things could go wrong.

The water wasn't helping, so he shut it off and sat on the toilet with the lid closed, head in his hands. There was a gentle knock at the door, and he wondered who had been sent after him.

"Occupied."

"If you're actually going to the bathroom in there I'll be shocked," said Dick through the door. "Can I come in?"

"It's your house."

Dick opened the door a crack. "I'll still leave if you want me to."

Jason didn't have a response to that. He knew he should be grateful that Dick was giving him the option. These days the two of them were always treading carefully, making sure not to poke at old wounds. Whatever their relationship was now came from those cautious efforts. Still, in the moment, it irked Jason to feel like he was being treated with kid gloves. He wanted so badly to leave their carefully constructed safety net and tear Dick apart, to make Dick feel just as awful and torn up inside as he did. He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath. When he opened them Dick was still there on the threshold, waiting for a response.

"I'm so pissed," Jason's voice was raw and quiet and he hated it. 

Dick came in further and closed the door. His eyes narrowed in concern and he looked conflicted. "Pissed? Cause of what Tim said or...?"

"No... I mean... Hell, I don't know..." Jason took a moment to gather himself. "I've been pissed for years. Kinda hard to narrow down the root cause at this point".

Dick was sitting on the edge of the tub now, attentive. "Try me."

"There's not gonna be some movie magic _Good Will Hunting_ moment here! One conversation isn't gonna fix me so what's the point?"

"Why are you so afraid to be vulnerable?" said Dick. "Stop pushing us away. We wanna help you, but you make it so hard. Have a little faith, man."

Jason swallowed. He could feel his pulse in his ears and the room seemed too small all of the sudden. 

Dick sighed. "I know I'm making you uncomfortable, and I'm sorry for that, but I won't be sorry for caring about you. You're my family and that means something."

"Family is just people who hurt you."

Dick winced. "It can be more than that. Listen-"

"Nah, man. It's like, every person that I ever let in has hurt me, I can't trust people anymore you know? So, yeah, maybe I suck at being vulnerable, but there's a damn good reason for that."

Dick frowned. "I thought you wanted this, to be family again."

"I guess I'm self-destructive. I keep coming back even though I know it's gonna end bad."

"Jay... It doesn't have to. We want you back too." Dick was earnest, but in the end, it didn't mean much, not to Jason. He knew good and well that people didn't always want what was best for them. "It's not that simple, Dick. Coming back... Right now, I can't fucking relax. I don't know the rules."

"What?"

"In that musical, when it was Robin or Gotham, that Batman was all fuck Gotham, I'm saving my kid. Well, we already know how that would work out in real life. He prioritizes every one over me. You know he once left me to die, to save the Joker?"

"I-" Dick sighed. "He must've had his reasons."

"Sure," Jason rolled his eyes. "The point is, I know where I stand with Bruce. With the rest of you? I don't know the rules. Every move I make I'm thinking, Is this gonna wind up with me losing everything? Is this the fuck up that gets them to leave for good?"

"Jason... Look at me. Even if you started killing people at random, I wouldn't give up on you. Sure I'd be trying to stop you, don't get me wrong, but I would still care about you. I'm not about to abandon you the second things go south."

Jason ran his hands through his hair. "Not sure I believe you yet but I'll try."

"That's all I can ask for. And for what it's worth, I'm sure the others would say the same."

Jason didn't think that they would, but he hadn't thought that Dick would either, so what did he know. "I don't think I can handle much more of this conversation, I'm still too sober."

Dick laughed. "We can be done for now, but I wasn't kidding about wanting to be part of your life. We should do something one on one next time, ease you back into family life instead of throwing you headfirst into movie night."

Jason nodded. "We can give it a try. I gotta say, it makes me nervous as hell though."

"We got this man, I believe it. Oh, and one more thing?" said Dick with a mischievous smile.

"Yeah?"

Dick grabbed him gently by the shoulder and said "It's not your fault," in a faux serious voice before dissolving into laughter.

Jason actually found himself grinning. "Ok Robin Williams."

Dick pulled them both to their feet and cocked his head to the side. "So, what do you wanna do? Going back out there might not be a good idea... I could get you set up with Netflix or youtube or whatever in my room?"

Jason thought about it. "Nah, I made it this far, If I tap out now I'll just be stuck wondering how it all plays out. But I have one condition."

"Shoot."

"Can you make me some hot cocoa? With the tiny marshmallows?"

"No problem kiddo, no problem."


	3. Act II Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last one folks! Thanks for reading!

Steph glanced away from the T.V. when she heard Dick and Jason come back in. Looked like Jason was letting Dick dote on him. She smiled and sat back up so that their spots on the couch were open again.

"What'd we miss, Blondie?" said Jason gruffly as he sat down beside her. 

"Well, President Obama told Superman to fuck up Bruce's shit, and there was a song about..." she thought for a second. "...being American? I dunno, I thought it was funny."

"They rhymed dollar bills with dollar bills," said Damian unimpressed. 

That got a little grin out of Jason. "Philistines, the lot of them!" he said with fake indignation.

 _"You tell those troops to fall back. Abandon Gotham Square! We just can't get through the barricade,"_ said Commissioner Gordon. Another cop scooped him up and carried him off stage.

Sweet Tooth and his entourage re-entered. He turned towards the captive boy wonder to gloat. _"Robin, see how quickly I brought the city to its knees? And all it took was a Facebook poll, a cartoonishly large sour warhead, and millions and millions of dollars. Not to mention all the money spent on fucking candy!"_

 _"But you can do that anytime you like,"_ said Candy.

"Of course he can buy candy anyti-" Damian cut himself off with a sour look on his face. "Ah. It was an innuendo. I see..."

Tim wheezed, trying to keep in his laughter.

Sweet Tooth went on. _"Don't count on Batman coming to save you, because he can't. He won't."_

Dick looked over to his right, concerned. Jason had a strained look on his face, but when he noticed Dick he gave him a little thumbs up.

 _"-Batman couldn't get here if he tried! I have anticipated every single freak-"_ there was an ominous sound from above, making Sweet Tooth cut off midsentence. _"What was that?!"_

 _"Oh no, Sweet Tooth, you're new in town, aren't you?"_ said Catwoman, taking pity on him. _"You don't know about the plane."_

Sweet Tooth's eyes went wide. _"Wait, Batman's got a plane?"_

 _"Run for your nine lives!"_ hollered Catwoman.

Bruce swept in from the sky. _"Come back you insects! You thought a barricade could stop me? Think again! I'm the goddamn Batman."_

 _"That's enough!"_ said Superman, who was being carried in by a stagehand in all black to replicate flight. _"The national guard will take it from here."_

_"Like hell, they will. I'm saving Robin. And when I find Sweet Tooth, I'll be the one to take him down. You're in my way, now get out of it or I'm going through you!"_

The music picked up and Superman began singing. _"I am a man of justice, I am a man of might."_

"Oo. Clark's finally getting a song," said Kon.

 _"I am a man of vengeance. I am a man of the night,"_ sang Bruce.

 _"Fuck you, I'm gonna kick your ass,"_ they sang together. _"Fuck you, I'm taking you down."_

Tim cackled. "I'm dead."

 _"You wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man. I'm gonna show you what it means to be a man, man!"_ sang Superman before Batman pantsed him. In retaliation, Superman beat the crap out of him. 

"This whole song is a work of art," said Steph. 

_"Fuck you! I'm gonna kick your ass! Fuck you! I'm taking you down!"_

"Aw man, he's pulling the K card," said Kon wincing in sympathy as Batman pulled out a chunk of Kryptonite.

 _"You wanna be the man? you gotta beat the man. I'm gonna show you what it means to be a man, man!"_ said Batman, throwing Superman's words back in his face as he beat him into submission with the kryptonite. 

_"Fuck you!"_

As the song ended Batman resumed his chase of Sweet Tooth, eventually cornering him in a candy factory.

_"Hold it right there Batman! One more step and the boy blunder takes a dive into THAT vat of boiling hot chocolate!"_

"What a way to go. I'm almost jealous," said Jason.

Damian nodded. "It would smell nice at least."

 _"Sweet Tooth, put Robin down! this is between you and me!"_ shouted Batman.

_"You're right, this IS between you and me! It always has been. I'll let Robin go! Whoops! **Butterfingers**!"_

_"Batman! I'm falling into THAT vat of boiling hot chocolate!"_ screamed Robin. Batman swung in using a grappeling line and caught him before it was too late.

Babs tilted her head pensivly. "Why would they boil the hot chocolate in the factory?"

"Oo, you right," said Steph. "That is weird."

"Suspend your disbelief or keep it to yourself!" said Tim. Steph stuck her toungue out at him.

Batman cornered Sweet Tooth at the end of the walkway over the vats. Seeing he had no place to go, the villain taunted, _"Oh, come on Batman! What are you going to do? Kill me? Do it! See if the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!"_

Batman screamed in anger. _"No! I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you from THAT vat of boiling hot chocolate!"_ and with that he kicked Sweet Tooth off the walkway.

"Fuck yeah!" said Jason.

Just before Sweet Tooth hit the surface of the boiling hot chocolate he shouted, _"Computer deploy the war head!"_

"Fuck noOO," said Steph.

Batman scooped up Robin bridal style. _"C'mon, we're getting out of here. We're going to the Batplane and then far far away! We've got to get out of Gotham before we get thirsty!"_

"They could just not drink from the tap?" said Babs. "Like obviously that's not ideal, there would still be some casualties, but it wouldn't be an instant death sentance for all of Gotham."

"Disbelief. Suspend it!" said Tim, emphasising his point by turning around and looking at her.

On-screen Robin jumped out of Batman's arms. _"No, No we have to do something, we have to save the citizens!"_

_"Those citizens, they voted to kill you to save themselves. They're murderers."_

The lights went down on Batman and Robin and came up on Commissioner Gordon.

_"Whelp looks like everything's taken care of. Let's celebrate with my favorite passtime-"_

_"Water shots!"_ said another Cop.

_"Straight from the faucet! Here I go! Yummy, yummy!"_

They both took tap water shots and in mere moments their heads imploded. 

"Water shots, is that like, a Gotham thing?" asked Kon.

"What. Hell no," said Tim indignantly. 

"It could be, you could start a tradition," said Kon.

Tim pursed his lips. "I'll pass, thanks."

 _"Batman look."_ Robin held out his phone. _"I pulled up the results of that facebook poll. See for yourself."_

 _"They chose the warhead! Oh, but it's too late. It's too late. Robin, what have I done?"_ Batman sunk down to his knees in horror.

Robin took Batman's face into his hands. _"If you can put aside your foolish pride, there is someone who can help us."_

The stage went completely dark. The sound of a classic iphone ringtone played.

When the lights came back up Superman was still lying on the ground where Batman had left him after their fight. He weakly scrambled to answer his phone. _"Ugh... hello?"_

 _"Hi, it's Batman,"_ said Bruce awkwardly. _"I, umm... I need a super favor. Gotham's done for and it's all my fault. I need you to save the city. You're the only one who's powerful enough."_

 _"Why should I help you?"_ Superman's voice broke. _"You beat me up and you yelled at me!"_

Batman looked to Robin for support and got a thumbs up. _"Uh, look, um... Clark. I'm sorry. We're not that differant you and me. I mean really all superheroes are pretty much the same. We're all just orphans. I'm an orphan. You're an orphan."_

 _"Spiderman's an orphan,"_ added Superman hesitantly.

 _"Yeah! Spiderman is an orphan,"_ said Bruce, excited that Superman was taking a more active role in the conversation.

"Who is this Spiderman?" asked Damian. "I've never heard of them."

"He's fictional in our universe, so mabye he's real in theirs?" said Babs thoughtfully.

"Works for me," said Tim. Alternate universes were weird.

_"-you can fly, you can crush things with your bare hands, you got X-ray vision! You can see girls' totties whenever you want!"_

"Not how that works!" said Kon.

"Can you do _anything_ fun with it?" asked Steph.

"I can see people's piercings?" said Kon. "I won't name names, but at least two people in this room have ones in uh... intresting places."

"Oh, shit."

_"-and you've got Krypto the Superdog, he's cool!"_

_"Some people think that Krypto's stupid."_

_"Fuck them! You know what? Some people think that Robin's stupid. But those people are pretentious douchebags. Robin's cool."_

"Yeah, we are," said Dick, looking proud. "Every single one of us."

_"Helping people is cool. And you, you're good at helping people. So come on, there's a city full of people who need your help."_

Superman picked himself up of the ground, determined. _"I know what I have to do. I'm gonna fly faster than I ever have before."_

 _"Thank you Superman!"_ said Batman and Robin togethor.

Superman flew into outerspace. An actress dressed in stage blacks held a ball painted to look like the earth. The actor playing Superman held his arms out in front of him and began running around her in circles, causing the earth to reverse its spin and turning back time.

Tim emptied the last of the pop corn into his bowl. "I love fake science."

"It could work. I'll try it out and let you know."

"Kon, I like being able to live on this planet, don't fuck it up."

Time started going forward again right as Batman kicked Sweet Tooth into THAT vat of boiling hot chocolate.

_"Computer deploy the war head!"_

"They really weren't lying about it being a giant sour warhead," said Dick. "That thing is huge!"

"There's a company out in washington that makes warhead flavored beers," said Tim grinning.

"Tim... You're underage..."

"Please, when has that ever stopped me?"

On screen Superman rushed to catch the warhead before it hit Gotham's water supply. Once he'd caught it he looked confused. _"Son of a bitch, what do I do? ... **Sun** of a bitch. That's it back to outerspace!"_

"Wait, did he just throw it into the fucking sun?" said Jason shaking his head.

"Wait, is that sa bad thing?" asked Kon. "I've thrown shit into the sun before. Oh god, please tell me I didn't break the sun."

Tim laughed. "Bitch, we could nuke the sun and it would be fine." 

The stage went dark and when the lights came back up Batman and Robin were standing where Superman had left them. 

_"I did it! I flew around the world until it went back in time. I grabbed the warhead and threw it into the sun. And that's why they call me Superman!"_

_"Wow, that's amazing,"_ said Batman.

_"Yeah, yeah, It's a pretty neat trick. Too bad I can only do it once, Bruce."_

Batman did a double take. _"Wait, how do you know my secret identity?"_

_"I just followed you home after the first time we met."_

_"Well, there you go!"_

Robin leaned in, raised his mask and said in a hushed tone, _"I'm Dick Grayson!"_

Babs smiled. "Dick, you really were adorable as a kid."

"Guess I was," Dick conceded. "Adorable, and intimidating to criminals!"

 _"You know Clark,"_ said Batman wrapping his arm around Superman's sholders. _"We should work togethor more often. Imagine it! You, me, Robin, a couple of other cool guys. We'd be like, a league for justice."_

_"What'll we call ourselves? I mean, what do you call a league for justice anyway?"_

Robin snapped his fingers. _"I have the perfect name. The Super Friends!"_

"Nice," said Jason.

Dick nudged him playfully. "I happen to be very good at naming things."

"Watch it man, you almost made me spill my cocoa."

"I'd just make you some more," said Dick leaning his head against Jason's sholder. "I'll make you all the hot chocolate you could ever want little wing."

Jason's face felt extra warm. Dick was just the right amount of too much.

_"Hey guys! Got room for one more?"_

_"Spiderman!"_

The newest super fried entered clumsily doing feats of athletism.

 _"He's agile as hell,"_ said Superman as Spiderman tried to do a cartwheel and failed.

_"Help him up, help him up!"_

"Oh, my god, oh my god, I'm dying," said Steph wiping tears from her eyes. "That's hysterical."

Batman turned to Superman. _"Hey, maybe now we can fight some of your villains for a change."_

_"Yeah! I mean not a lot of people know this but, my villains are actually pretty cool!"_

"Mmm, debatable," said Kon.

An actor dressed in all orange with a purple bowler hat entered laughing manically. _"Mwhaha, now the world shall tremble before the might of Mr. Mxyzptlk!"_

Spiderman turned around, lifted his mask and spoke in a familiar British accent. _"Here we go again!"_

"Pennyworth was Spiderman the entire time!"

"Jesus christ."

After the Super Friends took out Mr. Mxyzptlk togethor a new hero entered.

_"The Green Lantern!"_

_"Now we're talking!"_

"The music's picking up, I feel a finale coming on!" said Tim.

 _"It seems so funny as I look back on the folly of my way, I climbed as high as one can climb on their own!"_ said Batman.

Dick looked over at Cass. "You think we could learn that dance?"

She grinned. "No doubt."

 _"When you gotta get down, gotta get down, gotta get down, you need someone to count on!"_ sang the Super Friends. _"I wanna be your friend forever!"_

 _"I wanna be a modern dancer!"_ sang Robin. 

_"What a super weird thing to say that came out of nowhere. I wanna be your friend forever!"_

_"Pass me the cup of kinship,"_ sang Robin.

 _"Meet me at my place the fortress of friendship!"_ sang Superman.

"This song is doing more for me than prozac," said Tim.

"They do say laughter is the best medicine..." said Dick supressing a wince. Why did his kid brothers think that trauma was funny? He'd stick with puns thanks.

_"Like a bat in the sun I'm losing my guano."_

Cass cocked her head. "Guano?"

"Batshit," said Jason.

"I'm 100% stealing that line," said Steph. 

_"Will there still be scary times?"_ sang Batman as a new hero fle in. _"And sad times?"_

"Oh my god, is that supposed to be Hawkman?" asked Kon.

Steph's eyes went big. "It's the guy who played Mr. Freeze!"

"And he's shirtless," said Tim breathlessly.

"Control yourselves, heathans!" growled Damian.

 _"Tequila_ _times!"_ sang Robin.

"Aren't I supposed to be, like, a literal child in this?" Dick asked.

"Who said children can't have tequila?" 

"Jason! No."

_"I wanna be your friend forever!"_

_"I wanna meet the Dalai Lama!"_

"Are these actual desires of yours Grayson?"

"I'm pretty sure they're just choosing words that rhyme? " said Dick.

"If you did wish to meet his holiness, I have contacts in his compound in India."

"Damian, what the actual fuck?" said Tim. "Next thing I know Jason's gonna be all 'Yeah, I got the pope on speed dial actually', and I'm gonna lose it."

Jason shook his head. "Nah man, organized religion's a scam."

_"I wanna be your friend forever!"_

_"I wanna learn to play the banjo!"_ sang Robin as even more Super Friends ran onstage.

 _"Who needs a banjo when you've got a man show!"_ sang the whole cast.

Steph grinned. "Hehe. Manshow"

"Wow, they've got everybody, Diana, Barry, Arthur, even Zantana!" said Dick.

 _"One man, Many friends! Going down a road that never ends! Super friends, super bros! Super hearts and super souls!"_ sang Green Lantern.

"Oh, it's the same as the first song. I just- That's so- I mean, aww," said Babs.

"Oh fuck, they're doing a medly of all the songs."

_"We're like long lost brothers-"_

_"No more sad dark lonely knights!"_

_"-who found each other-_

_"Holy musical-"_

_"-and love each other like family!"_

_"Holy musical-"_

_"No more sad dark lonely-"_

_"Batman!"_

"I've got chills!" said Steph. "That was amazing, Tim!"

"We really have to do this more often," said Babs.

Tim smiled demurely. "I'll see what I can find, might send you guys a few links to choose from." He turned to Jason. "You'll come right?"

Jason tried his best to supress a full body flinch. "Tim..."

"Please?"

Jason sighed. The little fucker knew exactly what he was doing.

***

Red Robin tracked him down on patrol a few nights later. "Got time to talk?"

"I was about to get food..." said Jason pointing his thumb in the direction of the nearest Batburger.

Tim grinned. "I'm paying! Race you there!" He was off in a flash, firing his grappling gun before Jason could even draw his.

"Fuck! No fair, RR!"

Tim beat him, but only by a little. The kid didn't rub it in or anything so Jason decided to be a gracious loser.

"What's your order?"

"Just a number one. With mustard. And get me a Fanta for the drink."

"A man of taste. I'll meet you on the roof?"

Jason nodded and leapt up, on top of the restaurant. By the time he was settled with his hood off behind the large bat shapped sign, Tim was back with the food.

"Jesus Red! How much did you order!"

Tim smiled sheepishly. "The cashier said that they were running the Red Robin toy right now. It's limited edition so they like never have it... I thought maybe if I bought a bunch of kid's meals it would have to be in one of them?" Tim rummaged through one of the bags and pulled out a burger and fries. "Here's yours".

"Bon appetit, replacement."

They dug in, just enjoying the food for awhile. There was something about the pickles, Jason thought, the batburger pickles, that you just couldn't find anywhere else. He wondered if they made 'em special. He could probably get Alfred to help him reverse enginner how they did it...

Tim drank he last of his soda making a sucking noise with his straw. "Hey, Hood..."

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"A mutual friend sat me down and explained to me that I shouldn't have asked you to come next time in front of everyone, and that it was shitty of me to put you on the spot like that... and like they made good points, so I thought I should apologize."

"Nightwing?"

"Batgirl actually."

Jason was going to make that cake for Steph even if she didn't follow through with here part of the dare. "She's something else."

"Tell me about it." Tim fiddled with the wrapper of his burger. "Are we good?"

"We're good."

"I also... I wanted to say that whatever we watch next time, we'll do a better job of making sure it's not like literally all of your triggers."

"Oh kid, that was like, only half of 'em."

"Oof." Tim rubbed the back of his neck. "But like the thought still stands. Before we watch anything else we'll figure something else we'll figure something out. Maybe like an emotional safe word? Like if anyone says 'lima bean' we pause it and do some self care?"

"Hmn..."

"Like just imagine Robin in a bathrobe, doing a face peel... It's worth it."

That actually got a laugh out of Jason. "With little cucumbers over his eyes... I'll come just to see that. But like... Find something that's got me in it ok? Can't let N get all the attention."

"Sounds like a plan." Tim's eyes lit up. "Wanna help me open up these bad boys?" he asked gesturing towards his pile of kid's meals.

Jason nodded and handed him the bags one by one to Tim, who fished out the plastic wrapped action figures and tore them open, getting progressivly more and more disapointed with each one.

"Three batgirls, two batmen and a Robin? The universe hates me!"

"You could just get one on ebay..."

"That's cheating!" said Tim like it was obvious. He started to gather up the trash and Jason moved to help him. "Hey Red?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you have a plan for all the extra food?"

"I figured you would?" said Tim with a shrug.

"I gotcha covered. I know some people who could use it."

"Thanks. You gonna be able to carry everything?"

"I'll find a way," and to prove it Jason put on his hood and gathered up all the kid's meals. He gave Tim a nod and said, "You take care of yourself man. And let me know when we're all getting togethor again."

"You bet."

Tim watched Jason walk away towards park row with a smile on his face. Mission acchomplished.

**Author's Note:**

> If it matters, this is how they're sitting for most of the fic: Babs is parked next to the couch. On the couch are Dick, Jason, Steph, and Cass. Damian is on that side of the room in a recliner. Tim and Kon are on the floor.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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